


You Don't know What it's Like

by Sinsanity



Category: Sanders Sides, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Child Abuse, Fighting, Friendship, M/M, Roman is oblivious, Secrets, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-04-04 13:36:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14021388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinsanity/pseuds/Sinsanity
Summary: It started as a petty fight.Then you spoke about how I was kidding myself.Now that you know my past...Tell me, do I still not understand what it's like to fear love and expect hate?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm not a fan of making chapter stories because my schedule is chaotic and I don't wanna lose inspiration and leave yall hanging.  
> However I am attempting this and we'll see how it goes!  
> Chapter Warnings: Child abuse, arguing, some self-mutilation

 

Patton, Logan, Roman, and Virgil had been friends since Middle School. Well, most of them had anyways.  Virgil and Roman had never gotten along due to their contrasting personalities. They were like fire and ice. Day and night. Sun and Moon.

Hence why there was currently a fight going on in the living room.

“You don’t get it! You talk a lot about how you have anxiety, but you don’t know what my parents were like!” Roman’s voice was deep and threatening as he loomed over Virgil. “You don’t know what it’s like to be scared your not enough for the people who brought you into this world!”

Patton had tears staining his cheeks as he curled up into a ball against the wall. Logan was holding him trying to cover his ears the best he could. They both had tried to defuse the situation, but it only made them both angrier. Now they were getting into heavy issues.

To think it all started about who was the better singer.

“You think life is hard for you?! It took me years to get used to the idea that Logan and Patton’s parents wouldn’t hate me for everything I did differently!” SMACK!

The sound of skin against skin echoed through the house before it all went silent.  Logan froze and looked up to see a red handprint on Roman’s cheek and Virgil shaking. From what though? Anger? Or Fear?

“Don’t tell me what I do and do not know. Despite what you may think Roman, not all of us are so willing to share our stories. SOME OF US don’t like the pity and sympathy others show.” A shuddered sob left the darker boy’s mouth. “You at least were able to get away from your house. Me? I lived with those monsters till last year.” The room was silent, save for the heavy breathing coming from Virgil.

“Virg-“ Roman tried to speak only to be cut off.

“Don’t. I’m talking right now.” His voice was cold and sent shivers down Logan’s spine. The air was thick with tension.

“Boo. Fucking. Who. Your parents hated you, yeah. You had to grow up quickly. But ask yourself this, is it your fault? Because the answer is no. It’s not your fault for any emotional or physical wounds they left you with.” The three of them stared at Virgil as he choked out sentence after sentence. They had never met Virgil’s parents. Now they were finally understanding why.

“So, don’t tell me that I don’t know what it’s like trying to stitch yourself with needle and dental floss or thread. Don’t tell me that I know nothing about cauterizing wounds when at age 9, I had to press a scalding frying pan to my side to stop myself from bleeding out in a shitty motel room.” A gasp or wince left each of their lips. Logan could feel tears welling up in his eyes at the boy’s confession.

“Here’s a few lessons to learn from, Mr. Prince.

Number one: If you keep thinking about what happened yesterday you will never reach Tomorrow. Because you’ll be stuck in the position of defeat you’ll forget there’s success to be had.

Number two: Not everyone wears their scars on their sleeves. That’s not to say they hide them, but they don’t risk getting hurt anymore. Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Number three: You have reasons for feeling how you do. You were betrayed and abused by someone that should have always loved you and supported you. You’re entitled to your feelings. But so is everyone else.”

With those final words Virgil stormed out of the house and ran down the street.

A few moments passed before Patton stood up and rushed to the open door and screamed after Virgil, already moving to follow after him.

“Patton don’t. He needs time.” My voice was thick with emotion despite how much I tried to keep it levelled and void.

“But-” I cut him off with a tear-filled look. We all needed a few moments to relax and calm down from the emotional confrontation that just occurred.

I heard a cushioned thud and looked over to see Roman collapsed on the couch. His eyes were wide and unfocused as though he was having difficulty processing what just transpired.

Shaking my head, I walked into the kitchen taking my glasses off and setting them on the counter before wiping at my eyes. No time to have a breakdown. Not like I really had a right to have one either. Not after discovering that not one, but two of my best friends grew up in an abusive household and had their entire childhood ripped away from them.

The vilest part was that we were able to help Roman. However, Virgil lived that life for 17 years.

Come to think of it though, it explained so much of Virgil’s behaviors that seems so perplexing before. His habit to flinch at loud noises, his distress of crowds, his relentless vigilance. It was all a survival instinct. One that he had learned to adapt to because of his own parents.

Breathing out a sigh, my hand came up to pinch the bridge of my nose. They needed to talk about this. All of them. Roman had triggers to certain things just as Virgil must and they needed to discuss the next course of actions so as to not further distress him.

I grabbed my glasses and put them on before entering the Living Room once again. Observing the room, I noticed that Roman seemed to be curled up in a ball being consoled by Patton. The door was closed now, and the room was slightly tidier than before he took a moment to recuperate.

I looked at the clock. 8:47PM. Hopefully Virgil came home soon.


	2. Temporary Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil's back and peace washes over the household and its members. But how long will it last?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm not good a multi-chaptered fics"  
> 5 months later  
> "Hey look guys, I finally got chapter 2 out even though it's less than 1,000 words!!!"

Time seemed to pass slowly after the chaotic event. Nobody dared to speak a word as the group gathered on the couch, silently comforting one another.

Eventually, the three men grew tired, worn out from the day’s events. Patton had been the first to fall asleep. His head resting on Roman’s shoulder as the two curled around each other. It wasn’t long after that Roman’s soft snores rang through the air. 

As more time passed, Logan’s eyes began to close as well. Joining the other two in what was a less than peaceful moment of rest. Instead of dreams and happy memories flooding the men’s dreams, nightmares and fears rose from the depths of their minds. 

It was no surprise that the sound of the door clicking shut woke the group. As they startled awake, their gazes flew to the front door, where a shadowy figure stood, hunched in on themselves.

“Virgil?” Patton’s voice spoke up, his voice weak and sleepy as he blinked in an attempt to clear his vision. 

The figure tensed at the sound before a soft sigh left their lips. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s uh, it’s me, Pat.” His voice was nervous and rough, wavering ever so slightly.

Logan pushed himself off the couch, making his way over to his friend and gently putting a hand on his shoulder. The two exchanged a look of silent understanding before Logan left for his room. Virgil turned his gaze back to the couch, finding Patton rubbing Roman’s back as he tried to usher the half asleep man off to bed. 

Making his way over to the duo, he was surprised to find tears in the usually composed man’s eyes. Roman’s eyes locked with Virgil’s for a moment before the emo found himself struggling not to fall backward as his friend launched himself at him. 

Roman’s voice cracked as he quickly rattled off apologies and tired words that could not be deciphered. The man sobbed between words as tears streamed down his face, soaking the other’s hoodie that was clenched in his fists.

Virgil’s startled gaze softened as he stared down at the babbling man in his arms. His heartbeat slowed as the panic he felt died down. Glancing at Patton he found the other man staring at the scene with a sad smile. His eyes were tired and tear-filled as he watched the sorrowful scene.

“Go to bed Pat.” The other pursed his lips in hesitation before nodding and making his way up the stairs, stopping halfway to glance back at his two friends, assuring himself that things were going to be okay after he left. 

Virgil turned his gaze back to the man in his arms and felt a fond smile tug at the corner of his lips. He bent down, scooping the man into his arms bridal style, shifting slightly to adjust to the weight in his grasp. “Let’s get you to bed, Princey.” 

Said man muttered a noise of affirmation in response before the two began making their way towards Roman’s bedroom. Roman’s grasp tightened around Virgil the closer they got to their destination, as though the other would disappear forever once they reached his room. 

Virgil was lucky that the door was open as he kicked it lightly with his foot before making his way inside, the normally exuberant man clinging to him for dear life. He couldn’t say it wasn’t nice, seeing the normal Prince Charming being the damsel in distress for once. Though the circumstances for which it was caused ruined the mood it would have held normally.

Virgil bent down, gently laying his friend on the bed before pulling away, stopping as he felt a tug on his hoodie. A sigh left his lips as he stared down at Roman who was staring right back with pain and fear in his eyes. “Don’t leave.”

The grip on his hoodie tightened, and Virgil huffed before sitting on the edge of the bed, not much in the mood for another argument. 

The time seemed to pass quickly as he sat there, listening to the soft breaths of the other as he drifted to sleep. Perhaps it seemed quick because the other fell asleep quickly, or maybe it was because the soft breathing was soothing his anxiety. Either way, it wasn’t long before the grip on his hoodie loosened enough so that Virgil could shrug the garment off. He watched as Roman pulled the dark piece of clothing close to his chest, his grip once again tightening around the soft but worn fabric. 

Turning around he left the room, quietly closing the door before making his way to his own bedroom, desperately wanting to curl up under his blankets and ignore the world, along with it his problems.

Still, he knew that come morning, maybe evening depending on how tired the others were, he would be forced to endure the consequences of his actions earlier. The others would likely not let it go, nor would they allow Virgil to hide away from them. It was his own fault, he should have just kept his mouth shut.

He closed his eyes as he struggled to calm the harsh, intrusive thoughts that invaded his head. There was no point in worrying over tomorrow’s events. He had made a mistake, and upon waking, he would be forced to face the music. Forced to relive the hell he had lived in. Forced to tell of the countless battles he had faced against his blood. Of nights spent choking down vomit at the sight of his own blood. Of memories of white rooms and the smell of antiseptic. Memories of fighting with his own mind, struggling to find his worth and what was real. 

Until then, however, he would relish in the brief moment of respite that allowed him to be surrounded in a sense of peace, if only for a short amount of time.

After all, happiness was never meant to last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I planned to finish this about a month ago, but then a few problems came up involving school registration and stuff. So, here I present to you, a very late horrible chapter.  
> I am filled with shame.  
> I promise that chapter will be done by September 1st at the latest. You guys have full permission to yell at me or kindly remind me to work on this if you want. Goodness knows I'm bad at planning my time.


	3. Breakfast Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Logan needs to learn how to people and Patton wants to help his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY!!!!  
> I had written all the plans on my laptop, but my little sister ended up breaking it while I was at school so I had to take it to the shop to get fixed. Then I had to try and remember what I had written for the plan and I wrote it down on paper, which was a horrible mistake, and was entirely my fault because then the paper got ruined while we were camping and I had to rewrite it all on my phone. I'm so so so so sorry.

Waking up was a difficult task on a normal day, and now after such a rough night full of mental burdens and revealed secrets, it was even harder. 

 

The light from outside was dull as always in the morning, Virgil’s curtains blocking whatever rays of light that would have normally hit the surfaces inside the room. The sound of birds and wind were dull, being filtered by the closed window. 

 

A sigh left his lips as he stared at his ceiling, pondering what might happen should he take the initiative to go downstairs, most likely encountering the other three housemates and being forced to eat food he would most likely later throw up as well as facing the consequences of his actions from last night. On the other hand, if he decided to hunker down inside his dark room, the others might get worried and refuse to let him confine himself to solitude. The second option might also lead to Roman or Patton breaking down his door or climbing through his window. Both of them could care less about replacement costs or the fact that his bedroom is on the second story.

 

Either way, the conversation about last night was inevitable and could only be delayed at this point. 

 

Virgil let out a groan as he rolled off his bed, his feet hitting the floor with a small thud. His joints cracked and popped as he stood up, stretching his arms above his head. A small wince left him as he felt a slight pain in his neck and back. Most likely from constantly being hunched in on himself.

 

He grabbed his hoodie before making his way to the door, dreading the upcoming interaction with his found family. His feet padded against the carpeted floor, his footsteps quiet by habit. His entire frame was tense as he made his way down the stairs, past the Living Room and into the kitchen where he gazed at the tense and dismal group. 

 

Each of them was in their usual spots, doing their usual activities, but there was a tense atmosphere surrounding the kitchen. It was suffocating and only worsened as he entered the room. Three pairs of eyes immediately snapped to his form as he passed through the barrier. He squirmed slightly under the harsh gazes, knowing that they meant no harm, but still being bothered by so many eyes focused on him. 

 

“G’morning.” Wincing at the growl that came with his words, Virgil made his way to sit at the end of the table as normally did. He was quick to pull out his phone in hope of the others turning their gazes away as he focused on something else. 

 

It was only moments later that Patton made his way towards the group, no pep in his step as he placed the food onto the table before making his way to his spot at the other end of the table. The food was there, sitting in the middle of the table. A stack of pancakes with bacon off to the side along with scrambled eggs and toast. And yet, nobody made a move to grab any. Normally Roman was eager to get first pick, grabbing whatever food he deemed delectable enough for him to consume. Logan was next seeing as neither Patton or Virgil would make a move until the other two had grabbed what they wanted. After that, it was Patton who only gave in after realizing Virgil would rather starve than eat before the father figure in his life. Only then would Virgil take a bit of whatever food was left on the table.

 

Normally everything would be alright. But no matter how much he tried to deny it with the similar actions and preferences, today was not normal. It was different and painful.

“Running off was an illogical action. Especially after you were the cause of such a dramatic scene.” Virgil froze. His fists clenched as he registered Logan’s words. 

 

“Really now? Tell me, what would you have done then? Tell me wiseguy what would be the most logical conclusion to living the life I did? Since you obviously know how I felt and what it’s like to be abused your entire life!” With that, Virgil stood up, his chair clattering to the floor. “I’m going back to my room.” Then he was gone racing off to solitude where Logan could not bother him with his know-it-all attitude. As if he would know anything about Virgil’s life.

 

The footsteps faded out before a door slammed, alerting the three men that Vigil had indeed gone to his room. Patton turned to Logan with a glare on his face. “Was that really necessary?” He asked before chasing after his friend. Logan and Roman stared at his back in shock. Patton never got mad…

 

It didn’t take long for Patton to reach the entrance of the emo man's room, knocking softly on the door before calling out his name, “Virgil?” He knew it was common for the other to want to be alone after such an encounter with one of them, but Patton couldn’t in good conscience leave his friend-his family, to suffer alone. Nor did he particularly want to, not after what had occurred the night prior. 

 

So, Patton turned around, leaning back against the other’s door before sliding down into a sitting position. His knees were pressed against his chest as his chin rested in the crook between his knees. His hands hugged his legs tightly, ensuring that he would be kept in that position.

 

Time passed and Patton worried that Virgil really wouldn’t let him in this time. Sometimes it took a while, but Patton and Virgil always talked whenever things got really bad. Now though…

 

His head perked up as a faint rustling noise sounded from behind the door before it was pulled open, causing Patton to fall backward, still in his little ball form, where he stared up in surprise at the lanky figure standing over him. 

 

Dark eyes stared down at Patton in surprise as Virgil’s lips twitched slightly at the corners, showing the slightest hint of what was almost a smile. Patton grinned up at the emo man before stumbling to gather his bearings. When he eventually got to his feet he opened his arms for a hug, knowing that sometimes during these moments, touch could only worsen the situation. Today just so happened to be one of the few days where even a Patton hug was rejected. 

 

A small frown tugged at Patton’s lips as he watched Virgil turn away from him, walking back into his dark room that was void of any source of light. Quickly following behind him, Patton closed the door most of the way, leaving it slightly cracked so as to let some light in. 

 

It was time to talk. Time to stop keeping secrets from each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for your patience, I know my schedule is very sporadic...  
> Most if not all of you are pretty chill with the schedule, but I still feel bad because the chapter should've been up at least a week ago.


End file.
